C-H-A-N-G-E IS HARD. When it’s unexpected and based on hurt and loss it’s even more difficult. It’s one thing to change because you desire it and another to have no option. In the 1600s, François de la Rochefoucauld said, “The only thing constant in life is change.” You would think that since we recognized and recorded this as a “fact of life” so long ago, we would not struggle with the reality of change today. Yet, many of us find ourselves with no option, and it is uncomfortable and unwanted.

Normally, I am a person who actually enjoys change, but I much prefer it to come without the sting of fear, loss, or death. I have learned to appreciate change and walk alongside it like a close companion because it grows me and keeps things fresh. I am easily bored; thus, variety is part of what I look forward to during my days. I recognize this is particularly difficult for linear thinkers and structured people. Left-brained logical folks who believe in the motto “a place for everything and everything in its place” are put off by change. I must say there have been a few times in recent memory when I’ve agreed with them more than my own philosophy. There were days when the abrupt halting of my normal life patterns rocked me on my heels.

I adhere to the clinical research regarding the seven stages of grief. According to experts, common stages are:

1) Shock & Denial
2) Pain & Guilt
3) Anger & Bargaining
4) Depression & Loneliness
5) The Upward Turn & Working Through
6) Testing & Finding the New Normal 7) Acceptance & Hope.

All of these are natural emotions and stages of grief. The problem is that NONE OF THEM ARE EASY. They are also not linear and cannot be done one at a time like a checklist. Grief is more like a roller coaster with unexpected twists, turns, and flips. Then just when you think it’s done, the ride starts over again in reverse. There are so many loops in grief.

My life emphatically changed on January 9^th of 2012. It was the day I came home to find my late husband lying on the floor, unable to move. He had suffered a hemorrhagic stroke. I literally said in my mind, as I tried to race across the room to get to him, “This is the day EVERYTHING changes.” I KNEW nothing would ever be the same again – ever.  When grief robs you of all you have…when half of you go missing… there is, unfortunately, no other option but to acknowledge the change.

When life brings us to our knees, we have fewer places to look. Our field of focus becomes much narrower. We have a choice to make on the perspective we take, though. Will it be one of anger, bitterness, and rage, which can place us on a path of self-destruction? Will it be one of shutting down, closing off, and seclusion, which will place us in the void of then and now? Will it be one of grasping for hope and healing, which will find us reaching out to our Savior? Perhaps it’s a combination of all of three overtime.

Some changes may be good, but initially, it can be messy and frightening. Perhaps you lost your marriage to divorce or separation or a loved one or spouse to death. And in today’s current pandemic there is not one of us who has not lost our ‘normal’ way of life. Maybe you lost your independence, identity or freedom. In this world, there are a plethora of losses that cause grief. Life on this Earth is broken and fragile, so decisions have to be made. You can ride the fence for a while, but not forever, because nothing is forever, except eternity. So, what you choose to do with your now matters. Below are a few suggestions on moving through grief. I hope they are as helpful to you as they were and are to me.

How Do You Move Through Grief? 1. By not getting trapped in a stage 2. By not allowing too many “what-if” questions 3. By not stuffing your feelings 4. By not wearing grief like a badge for too long-don’t let your loss become your identity 5. By not ignoring it

How to Help Someone Else Move Through Grief  1. Know the stages of grief, but remember they are not liner and a person my not circle through them 2. Don’t let your friends/family members “what-if” 3. Help them talk by being a great listener. Don’t be afraid to share a memory-especially a good one 4. When they ask WHY remind them YOU do not know those answers, but you are here for them. 5. Go do good things that need to be done.

Written by

Dr. Teri Cox of Cox Consulting
Www.coxconsulting.com